Disclaimer: Jets Tailspin is a satire column

City officials in Daegu unveiled the city’s newest energy solution, a state-of-the-art nuclear reactor, conveniently located just behind the Daegu International School campus. Safety inspectors approved the location. Teachers that bring their own lunch to school showed delight. High school social studies teacher Mr. Kaschub said, “I save so much time every day. My food microwaves itself now.”

Wiheom Nuclear Power Plant (위험원자력발전소) opened to mixed reactions from the public, a response made all the more complicated when officials cutting the ribbon were flanked by a full crew in hazmat suits, later described as “a fashion choice”.

Students, however, were quick to embrace the changes.

“I like it,” Tenth grader Luke Cho said. “The air tastes tingly now.”

Seventh grader Jay Jang said, “My laptop battery stays at 100% when I’m near the windows. I don’t know why, but I’m not asking questions.”

The school cafeteria introduced an exciting new menu item: Fifty-Kilo Chicken Drumsticks, now serving an entire table per leg. Cafeteria staff recommend bringing bibs, a large appetite, and a forklift.

To address mounting public concern, officials reassured residents that the reactor is “completely safe,” pointing to a comprehensive safety plan that consists of a prominently placed “Do Not Touch” sign and complimentary lead sunglasses distributed at the school entrance.”Safety is our top priority,” official Lee Bang-sa stated, as three separate Geiger counters on his belt began beatboxing in unison.

Eighth grader Aiden Shin said “I don’t really care about the reactor. But if you see a spider anywhere, give it to me. I’ve got plans.”

Meanwhile, Bongmu Lake developed a vibrant, luminescent green glow that delighted visitors but sent scientists into crisis mode. Sightings of unusually large fish — and what eighth grader Elly Song described as “a sea serpent straight out of legend” — have raised concerns about the reactor’s containment protocols.

Nuclear scientist Kim Pi-pok addressed the situation with characteristic calm, “Since Korea’s first nuclear plant opened in 1978, facilities have undergone rigorous testing against seismic activity and coastal flooding. There are no safety concerns whatsoever.”

He declined further comment when facility managers were observed leaving the building with a suspicious number of arms.

City officials, undeterred, announced an exciting new student partnership program with the reactor. “Students will gain hands-on experience at the facility,” one official explained, before rapidly adding: “Not literally hands-on. We are begging you. Please keep all hands to yourselves. “Back on campus, the academic impact was swift and undeniable. The science department reports record-breaking student engagement and the addition of a new class, nuclear physics. Enrollment spiked overnight, alongside a surge of interest in mutation biology.

Nuclear power is, by most measures, one of the most efficient energy sources on the planet. It may also be the fastest-known method for producing superheroes. Whether the Wiheom plant proves entirely safe remains, technically, an open question. But what isn’t in question—school spirit soaring, science grades climbing, and the total number of limbs per organism in the greater Daegu area increasing—remains for better or for worse.