Disclaimer: Jets Tailspin is a satire column.

At around 3:47 p.m. on a Saturday, an otherwise peaceful afternoon at a local grocery store spiraled into ruin when tenth grader, Hans Park, reportedly locked eyes with Mr. Coleman, his math teacher. Mr. Coleman perused the dairy aisle comparing milk prices like a man with hopes, dreams, and lactose tolerance.

Witnesses say Park immediately froze and dropped the loaf of bread he intended to purchase. He entered what experts describe as “a prolonged stare usually reserved for wild animals and old people who sit too close to you on the bus”.

“I thought it was a hallucination,” Park later told investigators. “Like seeing a clown outside the circus.”

According to Park, the realization hit all at once. The fact that teachers do not disappear after 4:20 p.m., return to their charging docks or fold up and hibernate inside whiteboards until Monday, left him paralyzed.

Like a nature documentary gone wrong, Park observed as Mr. Coleman reached for the dairy, checked the expiration date, nodded to himself, and put the milk back. A critical demonstration of independent thought.

“That’s when I knew this was real,” Park said. “He can make decisions.”

The psychological damage worsened when Mr. Coleman pulled out his phone.

“What does he need a phone for?” Park asked, even when not prompted. “Who is he texting? Friends? Do teachers even have friends?”

“Oh this?” Mr. Coleman responded to questioning from the Flyover, “Faculty group chat. We have Taco Tuesdays.”

Professional psychology was quick to weigh in. Dr. Lee Min-seo, Professor of Child Psychology at Jinjja University, was consulted for her expert analysis on why students believe that teachers do not exist outside of their natural habitat.

“You came all the way here to ask me this?” Dr. Lee said.  

Back at the scene, the incident escalated when Park kept thinking. “I dunno,” Park added. “I just thought teachers didn’t… do that. Like they’d vanish and despawn when you leave school or something.”

Experts confirm that when teachers aren’t grinding at school, they allegedly have a home where they sleep, eat food, watch shows, and possibly even enjoy hobbies. Disturbingly enough, some reports suggest they appreciate such human activities like “having fun”.

School officials released a brief statement reminding students that teachers are “biologically human” and may be spotted engaging in activities such as grocery shopping, eating at restaurants, or existing outside of school.

As of press time, Park reports he is “mostly okay,” though he now avoids the dairy aisle and flinches whenever he sees an adult out of school.

Experts warn that similar incidents may continue, especially if students encounter teachers at movie theaters or restaurants. They also caution that, in the near future, students may find themselves awkwardly making eye contact with a teacher at a crosswalk.